Because I Just Don’t Think I Could Go Without Chocolate That Long…

I hate this day. Every year I dread it, and it comes and goes like any other day…except for the lingering sense of guilt and left-out-ness it leaves in its wake. It’s Ash Wednesday. And the world sure doesn’t wallow in ashes (or whatever else that name is supposed to imply), but it seems like everyone is getting back into the habit of doing or omitting stuff for Lent. Everywhere you go you hear about what someone is giving up or taking on. The most popular choices seem to be chocolate and facebook (for giving up, that is)…or people treat it like new years all over again and try to tackle a resolution or a new daily habit.

Now, by my tone, the implication is that I am bitter and that I think Lent is a waste of time. This could not be farther from the truth. I am not bitter. I am really impressed with those who are brave enough to stop eating chocolate or sugar or stop drinking, etc. (Although, as a brief bitter interlude, I WILL say that anyone who has ever been pregnant has had to give up alcohol, caffeine and many other fun things for NINE MONTHS…) And I also have a deep appreciation for Lent as an opportunity for meaningful spiritual exercise that can be life-changing if you participate with the right motivation and approach. My problem is that I don’t know how to make myself do that.

Chocolate has always been the obvious choice for me. I pretty much treat chocolate like my sixth food group…and I rarely go a day without consuming something that contains it. One time I tried to think of the longest time I had gone without eating anything chocolate or chocolate flavoured and I couldn’t come up with more than a few hours in the past 2-3 days. So yeah, it would be hard for me…so why don’t I just stop complaining and do that? Here is why.

I have a problem with stress. As if anyone doesn’t…but still. Hear me out. While eating healthier can be a good way to decrease stress, there are certain limits. For example, I have some chocolate cheerios in the cupboard right now. They are the only cheerios I don’t hate. They aren’t bad for you, at least not any more than any other boxed cereal. And I have a hard enough time making myself get out of bed on time and eat breakfast to get a good start to the day. I guess what I’m trying to say is that any unnecessary stress that I can eliminate, I do. And any sort of eating restriction has always seemed like a huge amount of added stress to me, because eating is such a huge part of life, and trying to control it anymore than I already have to (what with watching out for strange chemicals and oh yeah, did I mention pregnancy/breastfeeding?)  just seems like a lot of work for nothing. Then you also have to think about what you say when someone offers you something when you’re out, etc., etc. If the idea of Lent is to clear time and space for yourself to share in the experience of Christ’s waiting/suffering or to have a renewed focus on your faith, then adding extra stress to my life is not the way for me to do it. And like I said, I’m not saying it doesn’t work for others…this is just me.

So if giving up a type of food is out of the question, then that leaves entertainment or other activities to omit. This is probably more doable for me, since I watch a lot of online streaming of sitcoms and whatnot, but the reason I have been doing this more lately is because I haven’t been feeling particularly well and I have a young baby to care for, who insists I stay near by but won’t let me read or do much else productive when she is in that particular mood. I’m sure there are mothers out there who can confirm what I am saying when I say that a TV or computer that makes noise, no matter how stupid or pointless the noise may be, is still a very welcome companion when the only other alternative is silence with occasional baby talk and your own cursing at various cute but potentially deadly or very messy baby activities.

So anyways, there is an eventual point to this rambling post. I have realized by examining my life and even the opinions presented above, that one of my biggest problems is letting perfectionism and stress run my life. This is not a new revelation to me by any means. I know that I am a pathological perfectionist who often can’t commit to getting  something done because I’m afraid the end result won’t be perfect enough, so I end up with no result instead. And I’ve always thought about ways to try and give THAT up for Lent…or forever? But the temptation to change everything all at once is part of the very problem I have. So I’ve always cringed away from ideas to take on something impressive every day…I’m afraid I’ll get discouraged and give up if I once mess up or get a bit lazy.

I was sitting here trying to think of something to write, poetry wise, for the blog today. And of course, the very reason that I don’t post more often is the very same as the conclusion above. I want to write something impressive and perfect every time…and often my brain is only capable of mediocre. Hence this post. I just decided I am going to write something, and the hell with perfect posts that nobody will actually like as much as I think they will anyways. But I did have a little bit more of an idea than just that.

Like I said, I REALLY can’t handle adding any more stress to my life right now. But I am going to try and participate in Lent this year anyways, and show Ash Wednesday that it can’t get me down. If it doesn’t work out, then I am just going to drop it and assume that there is grace to cover that. But my hope is to post something here everyday. I don’t even know what, but something. It will probably be emotional drivel that no one wants to read. It will definitely have a spiritual Christ-centeredness to it, because that’s what Lent is for…Lent is not just a practice that Christian hipsters have revived because it’s cool to be liturgical again…

…and what I write will NOT be perfect…or even edited (more than the very bare minimum). And it probably won’t be poetry, at least not much of it. The reason I want to post it here is to keep me accountable, so if you want to follow along, feel free, but don’t feel bad if you could care less. This is my attempt at GIVING UP perfectionism (in writing at least) and in taking on something that I don’t expect to be an ongoing habit, but I hope will teach me something. Something about Jesus and why he came to live with such a crazy bunch of imperfect, broken people…and why he still perseveres and cares for his own church today.

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” – Jesus, from Mark 8:34.

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